Hesitation

Trembling.. i didn't raise my voice.. i didn't make use of the pen knife 3 foot away from me... i fought back...with my bare hands trying to conflict minimum injuries as possible... but that's not what he thought when he send a strong punch towards my face which obviously missed me or i would not be sitting here typing all these rubbish...

i always thought im different from my crowd, following my older brother's footstep, i became a single individual without getting influnced the flow of the crowd, i only pay attention and like what i think is worth my attention... im not the studious type and from everyone's point of view, two of my brothers, both younger and older have more potential in life than me...

my older brother has talents everybody would acknowledge, he's just being lazy which is the only barrier that blocks in his path..

my younger brother can understand and absorb whatever he's taught really quick and well, he's a fast learner..

but me, im not even half of my brothers ability wise.. i always wondered why they who have such great gifts wont work hard for what they have and put good use to it... Im now struggling just to stay among the lines of average.. my grades are always either average or below average... i need double the time ppl use to actually understand things... i need double the time to finish anything.. what's left of me is my pride and only that i wont lose, i'll keep my head held high and i wont let anyone look down on me... i tried my best at most of the things, although sometimes in the end, others ruin it for me which really cant be helped like how one of my artworks for a competition got torn when i was just about to apply the finishing touch.. i end up withdrawing from the contest which i regret even till now... even people like me would want to work hard and achieve furthur and better goals...

But why? i dont understand... why does ppl with outstanding abilities wont think for themselves and tend to let his other friends think for him?  i have never once admitted it out loud that he's better than me, i dont tend to let him look down on me just yet, as a sister, i have my pride.. but as a sister, i failed to pass on what i've learned to him like what my older brother did to me.. he's turned into a beast that would most probably someday take on drugs... i wish the cause of that is due to puberty when his rebellion state is still in charge of his mentality... Still a brat, what ppl say.. but if this keeps up, he wont be able to climb up from the disasters he's committed and most likely sink even deeper... we've tried all we can... but all he has for friends are brats...

one more thing that i can boast about myself, is that i can stay myself no matter where i go or who i socialize with... which was what i learned from by older brother... but that wasn't my younger brother's case.. he'll turn into a different person in different environments... he's not someone i can call a family now.. even with abilities like his, he's turned into a scum which even ppl like me wont acknowledge... i never understand why ppl from our age can be so stupid and naive, and now i somehow could understand.. he's the kind of being i hated most.. succumbed to lusts and temptation easily without even thinking twice whether its right or wrong and of the consequences...

wonder what is there left for me to do to make things right again... guess its not within our strength to do anything else, he's got to get over it himself or else there wont be a turning back anymore..